TVD Parody
by MadBangel
Summary: Okay, who hated 4x01 as much as I did? You're in the right place. Warning: Spoilers, Stelena-bashing, pro-Damon bias, bad parody.
1. Fight!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note: **This is a huge departure from what I usually write. This season has been getting me down a bit, and the stuff I've been reading lately about what's coming up hasn't made it any better. Specifically I read that Damon and Stefan are going to get in a physical fight over Elena and it's hinted that Stefan wins. This first chapter is going to be my take on that. My muse is evil.

#################

"Ow! What was that for?" Damon groaned after Stefan threw him against the wall.

"I told you to stop hitting on my girl!" Stefan snarled. "If you won't stay away from her, then I'll make you!"

"You're gonna kick MY ass?" asked Damon incredulously.

"Remember when I staked you back in Season 1? I was on animal blood back then!" Stefan smirked.

"Yeah, what is with that? I've been drinking human blood for the past century and a half almost and you're suddenly Rambo on a bunny diet?" Damon snapped, pulling himself upright.

"The producers don't care. They're Team Stefan baby. So I can kick your ass into next week, no matter how unrealistic it is."

"Why? You're boring. Even Paul Wesley is complaining about how one-note your character is."

"Well, you have to admit, a brooding, eternally 17-year-old vampire who's actually over 100 years old, and who is insanely knowledgeable, sensitive, and wanted to be doctor but couldn't because of the blood…it's just such a fresh concept, you know? When has that ever been done before?"

"Why don't you go find yourself some helpless, clumsy dim-wit and leave Elena to me? She's got fire!"

Stefan effortlessly smashes Damon against the wall again. "You're forgetting who the hero is in this story. I save the day and get the girl. That's just how it works."

"Well, what if I save the day?"

"You get nothing. I thought we established that when we rescued Elena from Trevor and Rose."

"Why am I even on this show? I never get the girl. I never get the glory. I'm never allowed to be even a tiny bit happy. And I have to play second fiddle to a bunny-munching bore. I've had it. I'm out of here!"

"You can't leave. You're here so that I can look better by comparison. I get to kick your ass, outwit you and look saintly even though I've killed loads of people too."

Damon groans. "Whatever they're paying me for this is SO not worth it."


	2. Mary Sue

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note:** This chapter is inspired by two scenes from Season One – the first one is the scene where Stefan shows off his cooking skills and rattles off a carefully prepared list of what movies and music he likes. That scene always makes me gag. The other is a scene that was cut from 1x17 that's included in the Season 1 DVD. If you watch it you can see why it was cut – it's basically Stefan giving a saintly sermon to poor Harper, whose legs are held down by stakes so he can't get away. 'If I don't feel other people's pain then I don't deserve to feel anything'. Right then.

############

"Mmm…. I love you Stefan," Elena cooed to her boyfriend.

"I love you too, Elena," said Stefan, gazing soulfully into her eyes.

"What should we do tonight?" she asked him.

"How about a quiet night in? We'll watch some movies, tastefully chosen to be intellectual, but not too snobby, and I will show off my awesome gourmet chef skills by cooking you dinner."

"That is so fantastic," Elena sighed. "You're so perfect, Stefan. Is there anything you don't do?"

"Not a thing, babe. You know, it's so difficult being this perfect. I'm really struggling with the burden of having everything, you know?"

"Maybe you need to brood some more," Elena offered helpfully.

Stefan nodded sagely. "Yeah, I think that's it. My forehead hasn't been getting enough exercise lately. It's starting to look almost…_smooth_."

"You're the best boyfriend ever," Elena sighed. "You're so hot, and smart, and sensitive and tough. How did I get so lucky?"

"Well, you're just lucky that you can overlook things that other people would be a bit prejudiced about, you know? I mean, you barely batted an eyelid when I told you I used to be a cold-blooded murderer who almost wiped out your ancestors back in the day," he told her with a smile.

"Oh, it all happened so long ago, who really cares? It's not like I'd judge you for something you did when you had your feelings switched off. I only judge Damon for things like that. He's so disgusting."

"Yeah, Damon is so totally evil. I've spent the past 146 years judging him for doing the same things I did myself, and yet I find absolutely no irony in that," Stefan said.

"Irony schmirony. You are good, Stefan. Even when you do bad things. I just love that about you."

"Really? I get so insecure sometimes, which is totally weird because it's not like I have any reason to be. Everyone always chooses me over Damon."

"Relax, baby. It's always going to be you for me. I know that for sure even though you've kept heaps of important stuff from me from the very beginning of our relationship," Elena assured him.

"I don't really like telling you things that might make you break up with me. But given that you've been so cool about my murderous past and all, I feel like I can tell you anything now and you'll just brush it off because I'm Saint Stefan and I can do no wrong."

"You're so right. I love you, Stefan," Elena said, batting her eyelashes at him.

"I love you too, Elena."

"I love you more!"

"Mmmm…..I think it's time for another 'passionate' love scene between us," said Stefan, kissing her aggressively. "We have to act like we can't keep our hands off each other even though we've been together for two years now and we do this every other night."

"I'll never understand why we didn't get nominated in the Favorite Couples Who Have category in the TV fan awards," Elena said, before sticking her tongue down Stefan's throat.

"Maybe we just need to try harder and that will somehow make us hotter," Stefan said, coming up for air.

"We're already pushing it. I mean, more sparks fly when Damon and I are just in the same room together than when you and I are having sex."

"And yet you're still with me," he said, looking hungrily at her neck and trying to control himself.

"We have a beautiful, solid love story. Too bad no one cares."

"Maybe I should sleep with Katherine or something," Stefan muttered.


	3. Love Sucks

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note:** I haven't written anything with more than two chapters for a long time. Here's Chapter Three.

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"I never loved you, Damon," said Katherine sweetly. "Even though I turned you and got Emily to make a ring for you I never gave a damn and I don't even care if you die."

"Why do I have to hear all this AGAIN?" Damon complained.

"Breaking your heart is fun. It's all we ever do on this show," Katherine shrugged.

"I don't love you either, Damon. Even though we have this amazing connection and intense sexual chemistry it will always be Stefan for me," Elena told him.

"Is listening to this in my contract?" asked Damon. "Because if not, I'm out of here."

"It's in the manual," said Katherine, rolling her eyes.

"I hate you too, Damon," a third voice chimed in.

"Rose? What the hell are you doing here? You're dead!" Damon protested.

"They only killed me because I cared about you. That's not allowed to happen. There can't be anyone on this show who doesn't prefer Stefan to you. I want my job back, so, you suck, Damon."

"This isn't fair. Why does my stupid little brother get all the girls? I'm way hotter and cooler and more interesting."

"You're evil," said Elena.

"I'm not always evil. I can be good too. But then I read the script and they've got me screwing up again and everyone hates me."

"Mmmm… Stefan's so dreamy," Katherine smiled. "We have absolutely nothing in common, yet I chose him, a quiet, bookish 17-year-old boy, out of all the men I've encountered over the past 500 years."

"I couldn't keep my eyes off him after one meeting," Elena sighed. "I didn't even know him but I knew we would be together. And he writes a journal. How hot is that?"

"I'm jumping on the Stefan bandwagon too. It seems to be the only form of job security on this show," Rose said. "I don't know if I can go there, though. He's really not my type."

"Get lost, Rose. He's mine!" snapped Katherine.

"No, he's mine!" Elena snarled.

"I can kick both your asses, so he's mine!" growled Rose.

"Isn't anyone going to fight over me?" asked Damon, looking quite put out.

"Haven't you been listening, Damon? No one wants you," Katherine shot back.

"The fans want me!" he protested.

"No, no, no. Stefan is the reason everyone watches the show. And Stelena of course," Elena said, flipping her hair.

"Ugh. I'm going to find Andie. I'm so over this," Damon complained.


	4. Hero Hairdo

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.**

**Author's Note: I've been too depressed to write after seeing The Last Day. There are no words, so I'll let Damon do the talking.**

####

"Do I really have to do this?" Damon asked, staring at his script and making a face.

"Yes, you will do whatever I say," said Julie Plec.

"Am I under compulsion?"

"In a way. I can make you do whatever I want, no matter how insane it is," Julie smiled.

"So, I have to force my blood on Elena, completely negating an entire season's worth of character development and making her hate me AGAIN, and I don't get any say in this?"

"Correct."

"This blows. Why do I have to do two unforgiveable things in the same season?"

"Because that's how we roll around here, big bro," said Stefan, breezing in.

"At least I get to stake you," muttered Damon.

"Mmmm but I get to look like the good guy again, which is what matters. I want Elena to turn, and I would force my blood on her myself if I could. But obviously, that would make me look bad, which is why you're here," Stefan explained, fixing his hair intently.

"I'm SO over being the scapegoat on this show. Maybe when I die from the werewolf bite you will actually have to have the balls to do things for yourself."

Stefan smiled.

"Oh, you're not going to die. We couldn't have me doing my own dirty work. I'll cure you and then it will be back to business as usual."

Damon groaned and turned to Julie.

"Can I please die?"

"Now, now boys. We have to teach those stupid Damon fans a lesson. Especially those idiots who can't see my grand plan for Stelena and actually want Delena to happen," said Julie, looking disgusted.

"I'm so happy. I get everything I want, as usual, and you're the one who gets all the flak for it," said Stefan, grinning at his brother, who glared back.

"I'm going to find Alaric. I need some bourbon STAT," Damon muttered.


	5. Plot Holes

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously**

**Author's Note: Some thoughts after The Sun Also Rises.**

###

"Hmmm…our cast is looking a little thin," Kevin Williamson observed. "And not in the crash-diet-and-liposuction kind of way."

"Yeah, we've been killing them all off. Isn't that just so awesome and shocking?" replied Julie Plec, grinning madly at him.

"Well, it can be dramatic... but we do need to keep some around to make next season," an anonymous producer piped up nervously.

"Oh that's no problem. The ones we don't kill, we'll break their hearts instead, and then kill them next season."

"Isn't that kind of a cheap way to get some thrills?" the poor producer asked.

"Well, it's no cheaper than having a ridiculous fake-out curse, a British villain, and several ripped-straight-from-Buffy moments…why am I even trying to explain this to a lesser mortal anyway?"

"Well, the viewers can get a little testy about these things…"

"Oh please. We gave them plenty of warning that this was going to be a shocking and sad episode."

"That's kind of the thing. All that hype makes it so...anti-climactic when it actually happens."

"Hmm…we obviously need to kill more people. Or screw Damon over some more. That always works."

"Well, this season you've had him find out he kissed Katherine, not Elena, had Katherine tell him she never loved him, had Elena tell him she will never love him, had him snap Jeremy's neck and have to beg for forgiveness for half a season, killed the girl he cared about, given him an existential crisis, had him force his blood on Elena to make her hate him AGAIN and now you've gotten him bitten by a werewolf. What else could you possibly do to him?"

Julie shrugged. "Oh, we'll find something. Damon is such a good whipping boy. There's always more ways to make his existence a pitiful heap of misery."

"Hey! What did I ever do to you?" Damon protested.

Julie waved his objection aside and continued to mull over ways of making his life hell.

"We could kill Alaric. He's Damon's only friend, so what the hell is he still doing alive?"

"Uh, he's there because we made his life miserable by killing Jenna. Oh, and we killed Isobel too, but mostly we just need to extract maximum emotional carnage from him before we kill him off too."

"Ah, yes. Next season is shaping up already. I was wondering what we would do now that we've killed all of Elena's parental figures. Looks like we have a new one in our sights," Julie sighed happily.

"Oh man, just when I got a steady job," Alaric complained. "Why can't you kill Jeremy instead?"

"We'll get to him. This Bonnie thing has nearly run its course. Jeremy can't keep a girlfriend for more than a handful of episodes anyway."

"Just don't have Damon kill him again, please," begged the producer.

"That's a great idea! Just when she's forgiven him again, we can make her hate him again! Genius! It'll be just like this season!"

"Ummm….I think I'm going to resign now," the anonymous producer said, backing out of the room cautiously.

"Why? This is the greatest show on television!" Julie declared, puzzled.


	6. Finale Finangling

Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

Author's Note: Well, Damon isn't dead. That may be the only positive thing I can say about the finale…

####

"I see dead people!" Jeremy exclaimed.

"Oh hell!" groaned Alaric. "I have to babysit Haley Joel Osment next season?"

"I'm so happy! I finally get some character development!" Stefan said giddily. "I've only been waiting two freaking seasons for this!"

"But you're going to leave me," Elena pouted.

"Don't worry, honey. I'll come back and you can forgive me for being a murderous bastard and we'll be sweet again. I just need to have some fun first, you know?"

"Fun with me," Katherine drawled, trailing her fingers over his arm.

"Hey!" Elena protested. "Stop that!"

"Don't give me that face. You get to hang out with Damon all season while Stefan's gone. Fair's fair."

"Oh, come on. You know that I only kissed Damon out of pity," Elena replied.

"Do you have to remind me?" groaned Damon.

"Yes. If we're going to spend time together while Stefan's away, you have to remember the rules. No one can love Damon. Ever," Elena told him primly.

"My life seriously sucks," Damon muttered. "Now I have to go get tortured by Klaus because I owe my idiot brother for 'saving' me."

"Oh, don't look so depressed. You know I'd kill you if Julie let me," Klaus told him.

"This is gonna be painful, isn't it?" Damon said, resigned.

"Yep. But no more painful than all the other shit you've been through this season," Klaus reminded him.

"Oh, we've got lots of fun in store for you next season, Damon," Julie assured him with an evil grin.

"Does it involve lots of alcohol and sorority girls?" he asked hopefully.

"We might be able to squeeze some of that in between the bloody torture and the crushing emotional pain," she mused. "Now that we've killed any hope of 'Delena' ever happening, I guess you deserve some fun."

"Why did you kill off the love triangle? I thought that was an integral part of the show. God knows Stefan and Elena are the most boring couple ever," Damon asked.

"They are not boring. Theirs is an epic romance-"she broke off as Stefan started snoring loudly, and hit him to wake him up.

"As I was saying," she continued, "they are epic, because I said so. Now, the love triangle thing wasn't really a triangle, it was really a straight line between Stefan and Elena, and you were just a tangent to it."

"Seriously? I'm getting a fucking geometry lesson now?" Damon grimaced.

"Well, you asked. See, we needed to underscore that Elena doesn't love you, will never love you, and could never have loved you, even if you were your 1864 self. No matter what you do or how hard you try, it will always be Stefan."

"I really hate you. Where's Kevin?" Damon asked.

"He's busy working on the Secret Circle series. And don't think he would save you. He enjoys torturing you as much as I do," Julie told him.

"Can I make his brain explode next season?" asked Bonnie. "I haven't gotten to do that in a while."

"That could be good. You'll need something to do now that Jeremy's seeing all his dead ex-girlfriends," Julie said.

"Can I just say that that is seriously screwed up?" Alaric interjected.

"You're just jealous because you can't see Jenna," Jeremy told him.

"Yeah? Well I hope Uncle John pops up in the middle of your ghostly threesomes," Alaric snapped.

Jeremy looked sick.

"How long do our contracts run for on this show?" asked Damon, seriously grossed out.

"Forever," said Julie, giving them a smug smile. "You're all mine for as long as the ratings hold out."

"I _really_ hate my life," Damon muttered.


	7. Sneak Preview

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note:** This story contains Damon-torture. But I swear I don't treat him any worse than the producers do! Hmm... that doesn't say much for my record on hot vampire rights though does it?

**TVD Season 3 in a nutshell**

"Grrr argh I'm having so much fun ripping people apart! Whee!"

"Uh, Stefan, we need to tone it down a bit, sorry," said Julie Plec.

"But I finally get to have fun! Be evil and crazy! Seriously, you owe me this after two seasons of being the most boring lead character on TV!"

"We're letting you have fun – by Stefan standards. But we need to remind our audience that you're still mushy-gooey perfect St Stefan even though you're now a bloodthirsty monster. So we're going to have you be a self-sacrificing martyr and good-guy hero while you rip some throats out at the same time."

"How the hell does that even work?"

"We will find a way. We always do," she said. "We can't have Damon looking good by comparison now can we?"

*Several scenes of Stefan as a mass-murderer with a heart*

"Ooh, my boyfriend is doing such bad and evil things!" moaned Elena.

"You'll get over it," said Damon.

"Yeah, I know. He's kind of cute with blood dripping all over his mouth like that, isn't he?"

"Are you sure you're a normal seventeen-year-old girl and not some cyborg from Planet Nuts?"

"I'm not sure. Julie hasn't told me what we're doing for Season Four yet."

"How are you doing now that almost all of your family are dead and it's mostly your fault?"

"I'm fine. Most girls my age would have gone insane from all the death and guilt by now, but I sail through it with my hyper-mature and responsible attitude that makes people twice my age look like self-indulgent wallowers."

"I'm putting fifty bucks on you being a cyborg."

"I'm feeling so guilty, because you and I are getting like, closer, while we try to save Stefan. I might actually like you, for real, not just those lies I told you when you were dying."

"Thanks," said Damon sarcastically. "You're all heart, Elena."

"Honey, I'm home!" yelled Stefan, walking in with a deer slung around his neck. "All better, see?"

Elena ran to him and pulled him into a long kiss.

"Oh baby! I love you so much!"

"I love you too! Mmmm, let's take this upstairs. Oh, hi Damon."

"Nice to see you too, asshole," Damon muttered.

Stefan and Elena were holding hands and heading for the stairs when Elena turned around.

"Oops! I almost forgot to tear Damon's heart out! Sorry, Julie!" she said. "Damon, I really like you as a friend and thanks for being great while Stefan was gone, but he's back now, and well, you know the rules. It will always be Stefan!"

Damon looked crushed. "Can we please not ever say those words again? I could really go for the rest of my centuries-long undead life without ever hearing them again."

"Aww, you will always be my friend, Damon. You can come visit me with Stefan when I'm eighty and living in a retirement home."

"I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract written in blood," Damon muttered. "Never trust an entertainment lawyer."

"Well, Tyler and I had fun this season," Caroline piped up chirpily.

"You just wait til next season, Blondie," Damon told her.

"You don't think they'd ruin my relationship with Tyler just like they did with Matt, do you?"

"What sort of crack are you on and where do I get some?" he asked.

"They ruin everybody's relationships," moaned Alaric.

"God, you still have sour grapes? At least you got to keep a girlfriend for like, almost a season and a half," Jeremy snapped. "My record is like, five episodes."

"Hey, you got a three-for-one deal this season, shut up," replied Ric.

"You can all shut up. I never get any," said Liz Forbes.

"So which one of us is dying in the season finale this year?" asked Bonnie.

"How about we kill you all and have Season Four be all about you being replaced by cyborgs and seeing if anyone notices?" Julie said.

"Oh come on, no one would notice. This is Mystic Falls. We must have the highest murder rate per capita of anywhere in the United States and still no one suspects a thing," said Damon.

"Yeah, that reminds me, the coroner is due for another pay rise," mused Liz.

"And I have to get more land zoned to expand the cemetery," said Carol Lockwood.

"Didn't you die? We're running out of minor characters to kill that anyone actually knows or cares about," Julie said to Carol.

"Why don't you kill those trashy Donovans instead?"

"Oh, you're all just grist for the writer's mill," said Julie. "I want to see how long we can string out this shit with Klaus and the Originals."

"Two whole seasons? You're pushing it already, honey," said Damon.

"I'm pretty sure I can get three, at least."

"Didn't you promise me some sorority girls this season?" Damon asked.

"I said maybe. And you got to drink your body weight in bourbon while you were mooning over never being able to have Elena's love."

"That wasn't fun!"

"Speaking of fun, I don't suppose I could go on another murder spree next season?" asked Stefan hopefully.

"You've had your character development allowance for the next five years."

"When do I get some character development?" asked Bonnie and Elena at the same time.

"There's not a hell of a lot we can do with either of you, to be honest," said Julie. "Elena's stock in trade is thinking that ancient badass vampires will do whatever she wants if she bats her eyelashes at them, and Bonnie is a function rather than a character."

"Maybe I could get some brains, and Bonnie could get some emotions?" said Elena.

"Hmm… No."

"Can I become an alcoholic next season?" slurred Alaric, holding a bottle of Southern Comfort.

"You're already halfway there, Ric. Oh, I have such great plans for you all! Roll on Season 4!" said, Julie, grinning enthusiastically.


	8. Dumb Brunette

**Disclaimer**: I do not own The Vampire Diaries. Unfortunately. I also have no right to use the style of Thomas Galvin, in whose format I am writing this parody.

**Author's Note**: Lots of Stelena-bashing in this one. Also, spoilers for Seasons 1-3 up to and including Our Town. Full credit for the style of this parody goes to Thomas Galvin, whose fantastic TVD recaps can be found on his blog at Thomas dash Galvin dot com.

The Epic Love Story of Elena Gilbert and Stefan Salvatore

Elena Gilbert: Hi, I'm Elena *flirty eyes*

Stefan Salvatore: Hi, I'm Stefan. I love you.

Elena Gilbert: I love you too! Smootch!

Stefan Salvatore: Smootch!

Elena Gilbert: Say, you know I love you and adore you but there is something a bit strange about you.

Stefan Salvatore: Uh, yeah, I sort of didn't mention that I'm a vampire. Oh, and also? My older brother is a vampire too and he's kind of psycho and might kill you and everyone you know.

Elena Gilbert: Okay.

Stefan Salvatore: Also, I kind of stalked you without your knowledge for months before I 'met' you because you happen to look exactly like my dead vampire ex-girlfriend.

Elena Gilbert: You're so romantic!

Stefan Salvatore: And I probably should have mentioned that I'm a blood addict and a small taste of human blood will send me into a frenzy of bloodlust.

Elena Gilbert: Oh, don't be silly! You would never *really* do anything bad!

Stefan Salvatore: Well, see, the thing is, I wasn't always a bunny-munching self-righteous prig. I used to be kinda evil and killed a lot of people, including your Gilbert ancestors.

Elena Gilbert: Well, that was just while you got used to being a vampire. You're all better now and wouldn't do that again.

Stefan Salvatore: Actually, I've kind of been on and off the wagon for a long time. And I'm about to go off it again. See ya!

Elena Gilbert: Wait, Stefan! Don't leave me! I am totally lonely and pathetic without you around! What am I going to do without you? It's not like I have a family, friends or a life!

Stefan Salvatore: Elena, why are you following me? Still not over that whole suicide bunny thing huh?

Elena Gilbert: I love you. And I know if I can just get five minutes alone with you, you'll be my Steffy Bear again.

Stefan Salvatore: There's a flaw in your reasoning, Elena. It's called Klaus.

Elena Gilbert: *pout*

Stefan Salvatore: Super mass murderer tearing bodies apart powers activate!

Elena Gilbert: I am going to pretend like none of this is happening.

Stefan Salvatore: How about I kill a few of your fellow students right in front of you and try to snack on you too?

Elena Gilbert: *fingers in ears* La la la la not happening not happening!

Stefan Salvatore: I really hate Klaus. I'm going to try to piss him off by stealing his coffins.

Elena Gilbert: But if you do that he'll kill Jeremy!

Stefan Salvatore: I don't really care.

Elena Gilbert: You don't mean that. You still love me, deep down, I know you do.

Stefan Salvatore: And to prove it, I'm going to kidnap you, feed you my blood, and threaten to drive you off the same bridge where your parents died.

Elena Gilbert: Eeek!

Stefan Salvatore: Just kidding. I wouldn't really have done it, pinky swear.

Elena Gilbert: Are you trying to make me hate you?

Stefan Salvatore: No, the part where I murdered a whole bunch of people and treated the lives of your friends and family as expendable was meant to make you hate me. But you really are as dumb as a box of rocks, aren't you?

Elena Gilbert: I know you mean that in a loving way. Please don't give up on us, Stefan! I haven't! I know you are still in there!

Stefan Salvatore: Is there anything I can do that will make you give up and move on?

Elena Gilbert: No. I will always love you and stand by you no matter what you do to me or anyone else!

Domestic violence shelters all around the world: *Facepalm*


	9. Hypocrisy Tastes Like Chicken

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Vampire Diaries. Unfortunately.

**Author's Note: This is going to be snarky, cynical, bitter, and negative. Do not read any further if that bothers you. Spoilers for the season finale 3x22.**

#####

"What the hell! You let her drown?" Damon yelled at Stefan, throwing him against the wall of the hospital room.

"I was respecting her decision! She wanted Matt saved first!" Stefan protested.

"Her decisions are stupid! She's 18 and not the brightest bulb in the box!" Damon snapped.

Stefan shrugged. "Yeah, but I'm hitting that and you're not."

"True," Damon said, rolling his eyes.

"What girl doesn't want a guy who does everything she wants without question or complaint?" said Julie Plec dreamily.

"I think I hear every guy in the world saying "Eff that!" right now," Damon muttered.

"I'm not!" Stefan protested.

"That's because you're a-"

"A hero. A saint. A martyr. A dreamboat," sighed Julie.

"He let her die," Damon said. "Just want to point that out."

"He respected my choice," said Elena haughtily.

"What about my choice? I didn't want you to die to save me," Matt said.

"Don't care. This is MY martyr moment," Elena said.

"What about my choice? I didn't want my only living relative to die or become a vampire!" snapped Jeremy.

Elena laughed. "Seriously, Jeremy? Didn't you learn anything from all the times I've gone out and risked my life for Stefan and everyone else and not given a damn that you won't have any family left if I die?"

"At least I can still talk to Ghost Ric," Jeremy muttered.

"Whatever. Just so long as you don't get in the way of me and Stefan now that I've finally stopped leading Damon on. Or have I?" she pondered.

"Julie? About that leaving town thing?" Damon asked.

"You can forget it. You have to stay here and fulfil your contract. The one that says you get to be tortured by way of us dangling what you want in your face but you can never have it."

"Damn. It."

"You should try to respect my free will, Damon," Elena said.

"Like you respected Jeremy's when you had me compel him to leave town for his own good?"

"Shut up," Elena said. "It's okay for me to disrespect the free will of someone I love to save their life, but if anyone does it to me it's horrible."

"Why did they have to make you a vampire? Now you're going to be around FOREVER," Damon moaned.

"Don't worry, I'll still do that awesome thing where I stick my tongue down your throat and then tell you I'm all confused about my feelings and then dump you for Stefan again every so often," Elena assured him.

"Ric? Esther? Klaus? Anyone? Can someone please kill me?" Damon called.

"Sorry, buddy. I'm hoping to be invited back as a guest star next season," Ghost Ric replied.

"I'm not going to waste my time killing you," Esther said. "Bigger fish to fry."

"Sorry mate, I'm going to be a little tied up with Caroline. Or maybe I'll tie her up. One of us has to get some," Klaus replied.

Julie smirked. "Go drown yourself in a bottle of bourbon, Damon. Which will eternally remind you that we killed your best friend too. Ha ha!"

"Ugh. Can I at least hook up with Rebekah again?" Damon asked hopefully.

"Mmm…no. You have to be pissed off with her for killing Elena," Julie said.

"The only thing I'm pissed about is that Meredith fed her vampire blood," muttered Damon.

"Just for that, we're going to inflict even more horrors on you next season. If you think your ass is sore and your heart is broken now, just wait until next season!"

"Can't wait," Damon said dryly. "I'm so glad this show was renewed."


	10. Groundhog Day

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note: ** As always, this parody contains spoilers, sarcasm, and is written from a blatantly pro-Damon perspective.

* * *

><p>"Welcome to the new and improved Vampire Diaries! We're starting all over again, fresh and new!" Julie beamed.<p>

"Great! What are we doing?" asked the assembled cast.

"Well, Elena is going through a rough period in her life, she's loving Stefan but occasionally making eyes at Damon, there's a lot of danger, and the rest of the you just sort of revolve around her and her drama."

"That sounds a lot like Seasons 1-3," Matt said, unimpressed.

"But Elena's a vampire now! And she'll be all tempted with the blood and the hormones and the seductive dark side (represented by Damon)! She'll have to make a choice about what she really wants!"

"Yeah, but we already know she's going to end up a Stefan vampire. With Stefan," Damon muttered.

"Shut up, you're spoiling the ending," Julie said, stamping her foot.

Damon snorted.

"No one could possibly spoil that ending."

"Just for that, you're going to be portrayed as evil and stupid, everyone will hate you and Elena will choose Stefan over you every time!"

"Like all that wasn't going to happen anyway," Damon said, rolling his eyes.

Julie waved her hand.

"Enough, no one cares about you. Moving on to more important things, this is the season that we stuck into trying to convince everyone that Stelena is like, the epic romance of the century!"

Stefan groaned.

"Really? Can't I just kill a few more people? Pretty please?"

"No. You had your fun. The stick is going back up your butt, Mister, and I expect you to act like you like it. Not too much though. We don't want to ruin the broodiness."

"Great. What soapbox am I on this season?" Stefan asked unenthusiastically.

"You want to stop Elena from killing anyone, while heroically battling your own bloodlust and saving the entire town from vampire hunters by inviting them to a campfire singalong of Kumbayah."

"But I wanted to kill a few people! Surely I earned a little fun?" Elena said, pouting. "I've been miserable for three years!"

"In Season Five you get to go to college keg parties, dance until dawn, have sex with Damon and murder anyone who annoys you."

"Really?" Elena said, brightening.

"No! Hahahahaha!"

"Hmpf. So what am I doing this season?" Elena asked, folding her arms pointedly.

"Being a neurotic, whiny bimbo on speed."

"I'm already a neurotic, whiny bimbo," Elena said.

"On speed! You're twice as annoying now that you can't physically be stopped from doing idiotic things anymore."

"Um, Julie, am I going to die this year?" asked Meredith. "I want to know if I'm going to have a job past a couple of episodes."

"Of course you're not going to die. Yet. We're drafting you as Damon's replacement best friend now that we killed Ric. So you won't die until he cares enough about you to make it really hurt."

"So, who dies then?" Matt asked. "It better not be me."

Julie huffed.

"I have to kill some of you. Honestly, you all get to come back as guest stars every season anyway."

"Speaking of, do I get to come back as a guest star?" asked John Gilbert. "I'm a little bit pissed here that I died for nothing because Elena is a freaking vampire now."

"Join the queue. If that girl had become a vampire halfway through Season 2, half the cast would still be alive. No refunds, no takebacks."

"Resurrection plotlines?"

"Only if I get desperate enough. Try me later this season."

"You know, this parody is getting really boring. We're just picking on all the same stuff all over again," Jeremy complained.

"Exactly! This parody needs to reinvent itself! How about we do a chapter where all we do is complain about how badly Damon is treated, trash Stelena and moan about how predictable this show is?" Julie suggested.

"You're really not getting the 'reinvention' thing, are you?" Jeremy said.


	11. Growing Pain

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.

**Author's Note:** I didn't plan on updating this anytime soon. But 4x01 made me do it. Seriously, I've been angry as hell for two days. It's not good for me, and I needed to let it out. As always, warnings for spoilers, Stelena bashing and crappy parody. Read at your own risk.

* * *

><p>"Noooo! I don't wanna be a vampire! Stefan! Say I don't have to be a vampire! Waahh!" Elena cried, upon waking to find herself a member of the walking dead.<p>

"Okay. You don't have to be a vampire. Bonnie will fix it. Bringing someone back from the dead is a walk in the park, after all."

"Oh, goody! You're the most awesomest boyfriend ever!"

"Except for the part where bringing someone back from the dead is highly dangerous and usually impossible," Damon chimed in from his perch on the window.

"Shut upppp! You're killing my buzz, Damon! I wanted to finally die to live out the unhealthy martyr fantasy I've had since my parents went off that bridge and Stefan helped my dreams come true!"

"Great. Now you've done that, can we please skip to the part where you feed and complete the transition?"

"No! I don't want to be a vampire! I'd rather die! Or have Bonnie die trying to save me from my own stupidity!"

"So Matt is higher than Bonnie on Elena's hierarchy of loved ones? I'm still trying to figure this out."

"It's simple enough. Stefan is number one, Matt is number two, Bonnie is three, Caroline is four, Tyler is five, and you are last."

"Thanks, but don't you have a brother somewhere in there?"

"Oh, yeah! Jeremy! I completely forgot!"

"Yeah, you do that a lot when you're trying to throw your own life away despite the fact that he'll have no one if you die."

Elena waved a hand dismissively. "So, back to me, can we hurry up and get Bonnie on it?"

"Whatever, princess," Damon said, getting up and walking out in disgust.

"Shut your mouth, bro. Elena doesn't have to be a vampire if she doesn't want to," Stefan said, walking into the kitchen where Damon was gulping Ric's bourbon. "It's her choice."

"Right. I forgot that our whole lives revolve around us ignoring our centuries of life experience to do whatever a screwed-up 18-year-old tells us to do."

"Hey, just because she has very limited life experience and isn't all that smart is no reason to disregard her opinion! Caveman!"

"Whatever. At least I didn't let her die."

"Okay, so that wasn't great. But Bonnie will fix it."

"Have you met Bonnie?"

"Shut up. What Elena wants, Elena gets."

Stefan stormed out and Damon finished his bourbon.

"Just keep calm and don't kill anyone. Keep calm and don't kill. Don't kill," he repeated.

"Hi Damon!" said Matt Donovan.

"Grrrr!" Damon snarled, grabbing Matt's neck and throwing him up against the wall. "I'm going to kill you!"

"Dude, that wasn't my fault! I was unconscious. It's your dumbass brother's fault, not mine!"

"Good point."

"Put him down. We've got bigger problems. Elena and Stefan have been kidnapped by a crazy vamp-hater who's going to kill them," Sheriff Forbes said.

"Great. My life couldn't get any better," Damon muttered.

* * *

><p>"Stefan! Where are you Stefan?" Elena called out, waking up in her cage.<p>

"In the other cage beside you," Stefan called.

"Oh good. I'm so relieved you're here! Now I don't have to die alone!"

"You didn't feed?"

"No. And there are no humans around so I guess I'm dead. Huh. That doesn't sound so appealing now, funnily enough."

"It's appealing for me," Rebekah said, grinning at Elena.

"Shut uppp! You're ruining my romantic moment with Stefan!"

"I love you Elena! You should have fed this morning like Damon said! Then you wouldn't be about to die!"

"Don't listen to Damon. He's all smart and stuff. It was way better that we did it this way. You felt better about indulging my suicidal tendencies for a few hours, and that is well worth Bonnie's grandma's afterlife. And mine."

"I love you boo!"

"I love you too!"

"I picked you Stefan! I was on the bridge because I was on my way to you to tell you I loved you and you were my only choice forever and ever!"

"Wow! What happened to being confused and all that stuff with Damon last season?"

"Damon schmamon. Who cares about him? Not me! I just got lonely while you were away!"

"While I was away murdering people, being a douche to you and your friends, putting killing Klaus above everyone and everything else and threatening to kill you by driving you off Wickery Bridge?"

"What? When did all that happen?"

"Last season?"

"Ugh, whatever. So, where were we?"

"You're dying because we were too dumb to feed you."

"Right. I'm dying, Stefannn! Help!"

"Grr! Arggh! Let Elena out! Grr!" Stefan yelled to the guards.

"Shut up!" the guard replied, brandishing his gun.

"No! You have to let Elena out or she'll die!"

"That's kind of the point. Moron."

"Grr!"

Bang! Bang!

"Ow. These wooden bullets hurt like a bitch."

"Well that was useful. Not," Rebekah snarked.

"Shut uppp! Stefan is the awesomest boyfriend ever. He always tries to help me even if he's completely useless," Elena said.

"I dated him first, honey. He wasn't that great."

"What? When was that?"

"Back in the Twenties? We covered that last season?"

"Ugh, really? Why does everyone else keep remembering stuff that happened in the past?"

"Don't listen to her. I love you, baby!" Stefan said.

"Love you too. Don't forget, I always choose you!"

"I'm so happy! Smiling here!"

"No you're not!" Rebekah sing-songed.

"Shut uppp! Me too!" Elena replied.

"No, you're not!" Rebekah called.

"Hey, shut up! We will lie to each other to try to make ourselves feel better while we face the consequences of our own stupidity if we feel like it! It's none of your business!" Stefan yelled.

"It is if you want to actually get out of here," Rebekah replied. "Guard!"

"What?" the guard asked.

"Can you please let me out? Or move me away from these two and their sickening displays of idiocy?"

"No!"

"Grr!"

"Eek!"

Smash!

"Ooh, you're hot when you murder people," Rebekah said to Stefan, who released the prone body of the guard from where he had smashed his head against the bars like a ripe pomegranate.

"Shut up! Elena, drink his blood!"

"Can't reach! You're meant to be a Ripper! Couldn't you have torn him up a bit more so the blood would flow over to me faster?"

"Reach out harder! Put some effort into it!"

"Mmm! Murder tastes so good!"

* * *

><p>"Die Matt, Die!" Damon yelled, crushing his windpipe.<p>

"Get off him!" Elena yelled, pushing him off Matt, who staggered away bleeding.

"Damn it, Elena! I almost had him! A few more seconds and he'd be dead!"

"I don't approve of murder! Well, not Matt's, anyway. I chose to save him and you must respect that!"

"Why? Because I'm your bitch?"

"Yes! Obviously!"

"Well, I'm done being your bitch!" he said, stomping away.

"I remember all that stuff you compelled me to forget!"

Damon turned around.

"Did it make any difference?"

"Nope. None at all!"

"Ugh! Why do I even try?"

"I don't know. You just seem to have an insatiable appetite for punishment."

"I thought that was a pre-requisite for being your boyfriend?"

"No, to be my boyfriend you have to do everything I say, without question or complaint, just because I said so."

"That's totally unrealistic!"

"This town is full of witches, werewolves, vampires and hybrids. Why not a relationship where I always get everything I want and my boyfriend has no say in it?"

"I am so done with this!"

"See, you're always complaining about my choices! I bet if it had been you on the bridge you would have saved me even though I specifically told you to save Matt instead!"

"You're damn right I would have. And so would 99% of other men in the same situation. Girl I love = first priority. Her ex-boyfriend, not so much."

"Then Matt would be dead! And I would be sad!"

"You would also not be a blood-sucking creature of the night."

"If Meredith hadn't given me your blood I would just be dead!"

"Right. Because your death is just fine and dandy, while Matt's death is horrible."

"Yes! Matt has to live because I would be sad if he died. But if I'm dead I wouldn't be sad. Everyone else would be, but I wouldn't be. And that's the important thing."

"My head hurts trying to figure your crap out."

"That's why you're not supposed to think! Just do whatever I tell you!"

"Screw you!"

"I'm screwing Stefan!"

"Ewww. I'm outta here!"

* * *

><p>"This sunset is so beautiful! It reminds me that I can't be in the sun anymore without frying to a crisp!" Elena told Stefan happily as they sat up on the roof.<p>

"No worries. Bonnie made this ring for you a few days ago before she lost her powers and killed her grandma again for you."

"Oooh! It's so pretty! It's almost like you're proposing to me!"

"Not yet. We've still got to get you through being a bloodthirsty hell demon before we plan the wedding."

"Stefannn! You're so awesome! The awesomest part of being vampire is getting to spend forever with youuuu!"

"Awww, love muffin, I adore you so much! We'll take you out to murder a few bunnies tomorrow!"

"You're the greatest boyfriend everer in the world!"


End file.
